The Growing Palette of Friendship
The Growing Palette of Friendship
Do you have any friends that are 5 years older than you?
How about 10?
20?
Over 30?
Family does not count for this exercise and by family I will include those that are “uncles” and “auntie” types like your parents besties.
I do….one of my oldest and dearest friends is just about 40 years older than me. There was a time that she was more of a mentor obviously and in many respects she still is but I consider her a dear friend and could not imagine not having her in my life all these years.
But more on that in a bit…..
I am sure all of us can sit here and come up with a litany of reasons why getting older sucks, honestly the conversation would go on forever. And sure…..some of you will say that getting old has its benefits as well. Things like perspective, experience, and patience all tend to mature over time in most people and I say most because some of them never learn these lessons.
One of these less discussed benefits of aging is the available pool of people that can become friends, part of your ecosystem, confidants, social acquaintances. The older we get, the less age plays a role in who we connect with.
Can you imagine being in Kindergarten at the ripe age of 6 years old and meeting your best, a high school sophomore for a quick catch up at Starbucks? Now the logistics of parental supervision aside, what would they talk about?
Now move that ahead 20 years, both these people work at a company, 26 years old and 36 years old respectively. They meet for lunch, and after work, get together on weekends. They become dear friends, wondering how they possibly existed without each other.
Let’s take it even lower, down to just 5 years. Those two people would completely miss each other in high school and college. At that age they would feel worlds apart. As adults we consider ourselves largely the same age. As a high school senior I thought 8th grade was for little kids.
During my brief foray into Hollywood as a young wide eyed 20-year-old I worked as a background artist and casting director. I remember the prevailing sentiment making the rounds every day was that by age 23 you were too old to play high school kids and by 30 years old you were ancient, old news…..not joking. I then became part of the problem and caught myself upholding this insanity from behind the camera, telling a 22-year-old they were too old and nobody wanted to hire them. To be fair, the same things were told to me. That is just Hollywood I guess.
And I say all this simply to continue the thought exercise…. Ask yourself, outside of childhood friends from school or college, fraternity brothers, sorority sisters, how many of your friends are really anywhere within 5 years of your age. I am willing to bet not many….
And that is a good thing, it adds color, depth and perspective to your life in a way that was perhaps not available to you when you were younger. Age matters less and less. I have met so many amazing people over the years in my careers and varied misadventures. And quite often in my case they were much older. I enjoyed the wisdom, the stories and experiences, and found it fascinating. 50-60 was always the wheelhouse, old enough to have some cool stories sprinkled with a little nostalgic youth.
The Navy also taught me a lot about this concept on so many fronts beyond age difference. The military is a true melting pot meritocracy. Age, Race, where you are from, nothing matters except your rank and what you can do. I joined the military when I was 25, I am from New York. My best friend during those 5 years was not even able to legally drink when we met, he was 19 years old. To top it off he was a country boy from Wisconsin. We could not be more different in every way but I will tell you this, we still talk to this day, almost 20 years later. We would never even have run across each other as kids…..assuming we lived in the same town.
Which leads me back to the beginning, the dear friend in my life that I have known for almost 35 years. She was and in many ways still is my 4th grade teacher…..Yes I still talk to her every couple of weeks. She was a mentor for years and still can’t help but question me and provide her very blunt opinions on what and how I am doing. But at the end of the day it is a cherished relationship with a person who has always been there for me through all the ups and downs. I could not imagine my life without being able to speak to her. I can discuss anything with her without fear of reprisal, family politics, or judgement. No topic is off limits and I always know she will shoot me straight and give me an honest opinion even when I often don’t want to hear it, a sanity check some of us might call it. It is a most cherished possession of mine and when she reads this eventually…. Thank you Sue.
Addendum about friendship: After writing this and getting ready to post it my family took a weekend trip to San Diego to pick up furniture…don’t ask, that’s a funny story for another thread someday. While there we got to visit with a close friend who is more or less family now. We were introduced to a new person in her life and it was a great visit. It reminded me of everything I wrote above. There is almost a 10-year gap in age, 5 with my wife and the circumstances of our continued friendship are unorthodox and not formed from the best origins. But we know that we will be in each other’s lives for a long time. Despite the hard times that brought us to this past weekend visit it reminded me that true friendship is about reciprocity of emotions, energy, love and effort. These are common tropes about romantic relationships but apply to friendship as well. Remember to be giving in your friendship as much as you take, be vulnerable and supportive, caring, empathetic, patient and loving. Life is always better with people to share it with…. but not just any people, good people, quality people. You are a reflection of your surroundings and the company you keep. I guess that means if you are surrounded by assholes……
